Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I started packing...

I started packing for Africa
and I cried.

I wonder,
what am I doing?
What was I thinking?

I feel overwhelmed,
but this is normal for me.

I've been overwhelmed many times in my life.
Since I was a child,
I've known this feeling.

that's the key for me.
Being open to trips
that's what God wants of me.

And so I am open
to Him.

I trust, 
though I doubt.

Yes, I doubt,
over and over and over again.
I just do.

My friend posted this on Facebook:
“If you have any faith, give me, for heaven’s sake, a share of it! 
Your doubts you may keep to yourself, for I have a plenty of my own.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"I often think that strength of faith is what I should focus on - 
but maybe that's not accurate. 
I also have plenty of my own doubts on just about everything I claim to believe in - 
and I'll continue to wrestle with them."

Yes, this is me.

God and I are sort of distant right now.
I'm not even sure that's the right word.
long distance,
far flung,

I've been thinking about it for weeks now.
WHAT is our relationship?
It's not as it was in my younger years.

I trust,
but only because I have to.
There is nothing else to trust in.

I know anything can happen.
Sudden death by a mentally ill person with a gun.
Sudden death by terrorists.
A plane crashing into the ocean.
A horrible car accident.
A cancer diagnosis.
Anything can happen,
whether or not I trust or believe in God.

Anything can happen.
And no matter what happens,
He is with me.
He is in control.
And I am His.

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