When I was a little girl I wanted more than anything to be a mermaid. I loved the water, swimming for hours pretending I had a beautiful silver-green tail with long golden hair gliding gracefully through the water. The magic of Hawaii brought back those memories as I spent as much time in the ocean as I possibly could, floating on the waves, snorkeling, scuba diving and boogie boarding.
Our trip to Maui was just about perfect. The weather, the warm water, the peace, the calm, the lack of any stress, the books I read, the time spent with Don just being. We hadn't been back to Maui since our honeymoon 27 years and 7 months ago. This time away was just what my mind and body needed, but as our departure day drew near, I felt the familiar anxiousness starting to creep back in. Our last dinner there was spent in tears as I thought about all of the cares I seem to carry. Again I grieved over the losses we've experienced in the last five years. I remembered with longing the family trip we took to Hawaii just 7 months before Josh was diagnosed with cancer. I wondered if Josh would ever be able to swim in the Hawaiin ocean ever again. I went to bed that night asking God for His strength and His peace knowing I would soon be re-entering real life.
On our last morning, we awoke early and walked down to the ocean. I desired one last long morning swim. Don wanted to go for a run. As we approached the beach I saw an older woman with silver hair bobbing around in the mellow waves. I recognized her from the night before. She had been celebrating the sunset with a group of local residents. Their gathering was complete with wine, sushi, chicken wings and much fellowship. I had noticed she was new to the group as she was introducing herself to everyone except the gregarious lady who seemed to be the hostess. Then the hostess wrapped her arms around the new woman and said, "Let's go swim my mermaid friend." And they walked arm in arm towards the waves. I thought they were beautiful with their short silver hair and brown bodies. I longed for a mermaid friend too.
I grew excited when I saw her in the ocean and I suddenly knew God had something special in store for me. I walked into the waves diving under one and swam towards her. I seemed to be drawn to her. She was glowing and I approached her with a smile commenting on how lovely the ocean was. We began to talk. Before I knew it she shared with me in her Mississippi accent her miracle of healing from a brain tumor through a vivid vision, her love of God and His mysteries, her children and their lives, her childhood traumas. And I began to share about my life. God's love flowed through her and tears ran down her face as I talked about Joshua. She infused me with God's love, with encouragment and she hugged me deeply floating on the waves. She had already been swimming earlier that morning and had gotten out when she felt compelled to go back in the water. She said God had set up our meeting. We shared for an hour and I really can't put into words all that was said and felt. It seemed divine. Then Don swam over having finished his run. I introduced them. As she said it was time for her to leave she pulled me into her loving arms and began sweetly whispering angel prayers into my ear. She was praying in tongues for me. I began to quietly cry. She kissed me gently on my cheek and swam away.
I can't really explain what my angel mermaid did for me other than my anxiousness and fear are gone. I feel divinely renewed. Don and I marveled over this experience together with grateful hearts. As I shared this story and our time in Hawaii with a friend, he commented how he tries to live "Aloha" everyday. He lived on the islands attending Bible School a few years back. For me my angel mermaid reminded me "Living Aloha" means trusting in God and His ebb and flow of life. Birth, death, tragedy and miracles all blending into our journey of life. My angel mermaid was emphatic Josh would live a long life. She said we would all be back in Hawaii one day celebrating Josh's trach removal as we watched him swim through the blue-green waters. May it be so.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I had a panic attack the other night...
I have not had one in a long time, but there it was staring me in the face again. That hateful feeling of adrenalin racing through my legs and arms, hot and tingling, my heart seeming to race while my mind shouts, “NO!” Breathe deep, breathe deep, I tell myself. I use all the tricks I know to work through it: my music, focusing my mind on God’s presence, deep breathing. Finally, through medication, sleep comes. I arise the next day feeling defeated.
The first time I had one, I didn’t really know what it was. And it caught me totally off guard. I had no idea why I would feel this way. I guess I wasn’t in tune with myself. Anyway, as time went on I figured it out, relied on God to get me through and eventually I didn’t suffer with them anymore. That is, until the other night when BOOM, there it was again. Hateful monster!
I know what triggered it. My son had been sick with the h1n1 virus. His high fever was scary. The doctor put him on Tamiflu and he quickly got better, though I'm watching him closely now for secondary infections. So of course, after the “crisis” the panic attack hit me. I think it’s part of the post traumatic stress syndrome from going through cancer with him. My deepest subconscious remembers the trauma of my son’s treatment…so when I think I’m fine…PANIC ATTACKS.
What were those attacks about BEFORE, I wonder. I think I was just overwhelmed with life. The first one hit me when my husband was in Africa, before I became pregnant with my son. The next ones hit me when I was pregnant and again my husband was in Africa, this time for a month working on a very important outreach in Rwanda. Yes, I believe there are spiritual implications here. A spiritual battle as they say.
So today I read these words from STREAMS IN THE DESERT:
“It is your business to lean to be peaceful and safe in God in every situation.”
“A quiet spirit is of inestimable value in carrying on outward activities; and nothing so hinders the working of the hidden spiritual forces, upon which, after all, our success in everything really depends, as a spirit of unrest and anxiety. There is immense power in stillness. A great saint once said, “All things come to him who knows how to trust and be silent.””
“Instead of restless struggles, we would “sit down” inwardly before the Lord, and would let the divine forces of His Spirit work out in silence the ends to which we aspire.”
This is what God is teaching me. But how do I trust and be silent? How do I “sit down” inwardly before the Lord and let the divine forces of His Spirit work? How do I attain a quiet spirit? I’m a practical person so I want practical steps to these seemingly nebulous ideas.
As I contemplate this and ask God to lead me, I realize solitude is key, finding time to be alone, in a peaceful, calm place with Him. Meditation. Slowing down my life when its pace can become fast and furious. I work hard at this and with the kids in school I do have time to set aside for seclusion. I've cut back on outside functions even limiting my time with some friends. But with the solitude and meditation comes “right thinking”.
I’ve found my thoughts to be filled with falsehoods. In other words I’m discovering how I believe wrong ideas of who I am. I’m finding I operate out of false guilt and supposed formulas. Somehow along the way I’ve forgotten who I am in Christ Jesus. I’ve forgotten how He is doing a good work in me. I’ve forgotten that He sees me in His perfection. I found I was striving for that peace, that quiet spirit only to be sabotaged by my erroneous thoughts. Both are crucial. I'm a work in progress. I'll let you know later how I'm doing.
Panic attack antidote: Solitude with my mind steeped in His truth.
The first time I had one, I didn’t really know what it was. And it caught me totally off guard. I had no idea why I would feel this way. I guess I wasn’t in tune with myself. Anyway, as time went on I figured it out, relied on God to get me through and eventually I didn’t suffer with them anymore. That is, until the other night when BOOM, there it was again. Hateful monster!
I know what triggered it. My son had been sick with the h1n1 virus. His high fever was scary. The doctor put him on Tamiflu and he quickly got better, though I'm watching him closely now for secondary infections. So of course, after the “crisis” the panic attack hit me. I think it’s part of the post traumatic stress syndrome from going through cancer with him. My deepest subconscious remembers the trauma of my son’s treatment…so when I think I’m fine…PANIC ATTACKS.
What were those attacks about BEFORE, I wonder. I think I was just overwhelmed with life. The first one hit me when my husband was in Africa, before I became pregnant with my son. The next ones hit me when I was pregnant and again my husband was in Africa, this time for a month working on a very important outreach in Rwanda. Yes, I believe there are spiritual implications here. A spiritual battle as they say.
So today I read these words from STREAMS IN THE DESERT:
“It is your business to lean to be peaceful and safe in God in every situation.”
“A quiet spirit is of inestimable value in carrying on outward activities; and nothing so hinders the working of the hidden spiritual forces, upon which, after all, our success in everything really depends, as a spirit of unrest and anxiety. There is immense power in stillness. A great saint once said, “All things come to him who knows how to trust and be silent.””
“Instead of restless struggles, we would “sit down” inwardly before the Lord, and would let the divine forces of His Spirit work out in silence the ends to which we aspire.”
This is what God is teaching me. But how do I trust and be silent? How do I “sit down” inwardly before the Lord and let the divine forces of His Spirit work? How do I attain a quiet spirit? I’m a practical person so I want practical steps to these seemingly nebulous ideas.
As I contemplate this and ask God to lead me, I realize solitude is key, finding time to be alone, in a peaceful, calm place with Him. Meditation. Slowing down my life when its pace can become fast and furious. I work hard at this and with the kids in school I do have time to set aside for seclusion. I've cut back on outside functions even limiting my time with some friends. But with the solitude and meditation comes “right thinking”.
I’ve found my thoughts to be filled with falsehoods. In other words I’m discovering how I believe wrong ideas of who I am. I’m finding I operate out of false guilt and supposed formulas. Somehow along the way I’ve forgotten who I am in Christ Jesus. I’ve forgotten how He is doing a good work in me. I’ve forgotten that He sees me in His perfection. I found I was striving for that peace, that quiet spirit only to be sabotaged by my erroneous thoughts. Both are crucial. I'm a work in progress. I'll let you know later how I'm doing.
Panic attack antidote: Solitude with my mind steeped in His truth.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Time...
Thirty years ago my husband graduated from college with a degree in business and economics. He was ready to set the world on fire with the goal of becoming a millionaire by the age of 30. Instead he became a missionary to Africa.
Thirty years ago I graduated from high school dreaming I’d marry the man I was dating at the time. Instead I met my husband at church and we married two years later.
Today our oldest daughter has a college degree, a good job and a nine month old baby boy.
Today our second daughter is traveling in Europe with other college students learning more about our world.
Today our third daughter is finishing her senior year of high school and saving money as she works in a retirement home learning how to treasure the elderly.
Today our youngest daughter earned her driver’s license. I left a car for her at school so she could drive to her afternoon soccer game. I walked home in the rain.
And suddenly it hit me…
Five years ago today we heard the words “round blue cell sarcoma” as we sat in a tiny room off the main waiting area of the hospital. Our four year old son had cancer.
Today he is cancer free.
Time and God...
Thirty years ago I graduated from high school dreaming I’d marry the man I was dating at the time. Instead I met my husband at church and we married two years later.
Today our oldest daughter has a college degree, a good job and a nine month old baby boy.
Today our second daughter is traveling in Europe with other college students learning more about our world.
Today our third daughter is finishing her senior year of high school and saving money as she works in a retirement home learning how to treasure the elderly.
Today our youngest daughter earned her driver’s license. I left a car for her at school so she could drive to her afternoon soccer game. I walked home in the rain.
And suddenly it hit me…
Five years ago today we heard the words “round blue cell sarcoma” as we sat in a tiny room off the main waiting area of the hospital. Our four year old son had cancer.
Today he is cancer free.
Time and God...
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