Thursday, January 1, 2015

It's 2015! Happy New Year!

I'm sitting alone on my sun drenched couch sipping my morning coffee.

It's the first day of  2015.

I'm alone because my entire family is still sleeping 
after reveling until the wee hours of the morning 
with friends and family.

It was a wonderful party.

I look around at the glitter and sparkle strewn about along with popcorn and chips, 
cold brie and cold mulled wine resting in the pot, 
sticky spots on the floor where drinks were spilled
and it's quiet.

The laughter and noise from the previous night still reverberates in my mind.

I breathe deep.

I looked through the pictures on our camera from our makeshift "photo booth", 
smiling at the silly poses and props.

It was a multi-generational party with friends our age, 
friends our adult children's ages and Josh's 14 years old friend.

It was a smashing success.

And I have video to prove it:
Josh and Christian smashing our Halloween pumpkins 
(yes, we still had pumpkins sitting around saved for just this ritual) 
with the Samurai sword Joy forged for him a few years ago.

We're nearing the end of our "stay-cation" now;
that is to say,
we've all been together, 
living under the same roof for 6 days.

And it's worked.
We still love and tolerate each other!

My children are amazing people 
and they've chosen their spouses, 
and friends well.

I'm learning to let them go.

And I wonder what 2015 will hold for each of us.
As I crawled into bed last night I felt apprehensive.
I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because we've gone through tough times in years past.
There is no guarantee and I have no control. 

Maybe it's because I feel a little lost and directionless.
What do I do now with my life?

Maybe it's because of my age.
I look a little too middle aged in those silly New Year's pictures. 

It's hard work for me,
to separate from mothering, 
letting go.

I grew up believing that education wasn't important.
The highest calling was to be a mother and wife.

And for almost 28 years I've been raising, 
parenting my children.

That's been my identity,
my role,
my value.

And as that role dissipates,
I find myself a little lost,
feeling as if I'm standing on shaky ground.

What next?

Maybe it's time for education.
Maybe it's time to become something...