Friday, February 22, 2013

NO, once again...

I took the call because I'd been waiting for it.  An innocent question to a neurosurgeon, my son's doctor actually.

"If it were my child, I would NOT allow him to go skiing.  It's too risky. My answer is NO."

Those were the words.  Once again, the hammer fell.

Once again...NO.

My tears fell.  The emotions so POWERFUL, I thought I would vomit.

I know his life was saved through chemo and radiation...but the cost has been great.

It never ends.

How do I tell a 12 year old boy that he should NOT ski?  It is too RISKY.
He has been LOOKING forward to this weekend, this time away with his father and other young men and their fathers for weeks now.


"Mom, I am good at skiing!  I know I am!"

Son, your father will be with you at all times.  You will be on the bunny slope.  Yes, you are good, but we have to be cautious.  Remember your neck vertebra.  Watch out for those out of control snow boarders.

A simple, common activity turns into such agony.

Someone once said: oh take your son to Disneyland to celebrate!
NO Disneyland .  Many of the rides are too RISKY.   His neck is not normal, you know.

Josh, your vertebra in your NECK was eaten away by a terrible tumor.  We saved your life through  barbaric treatments.  And it damaged it even more.

"It's stable at this time."



That should be enough.  But is it?

But CANNOT  spar in your Tae Kwon Do class.  It's too RISKY.

Tears stream down his face as his doctor tells him this.

And the neurosurgeon said, Josh if you were "hit" just once in the wrong place, or if you fell just would be a quadriplegic paralyzed from the neck down  unable to breathe on your own and on a ventilator FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.


Josh...NO you cannot go swimming.  You have a tracheotomy. If you go under water...your lungs will fill with water in less than a second and you will drown.

No kayaking.  No boating.  No water skiing. NO, NO, NO!

Last summer at camp, the life guards panicked when Josh was in the pool.  I had to reassure them that I, his parent,  was watching him...closely.  You see, all of his middle school friends had decided to swim.  What was he to do?

NO you cannot go to the birthday party at the water park.

NO you cannot go to the church youth group at the Pump It Up jumping house.


I'm sorry.  I am so sorry.

There are those who say, "be grateful"

 "God is good"
"count your blessings"

And I  am grateful. I do thank Him.
 I know.
 I am.


It does not make it easier.  It does NOT take away the pain.

Once again the loss and the grief OVERWHELM me.

Josh has been and always will be in God's hands.

And he is alive.

But let me grieve, once again...this loss...