Friday, June 12, 2009

Living in No Man's Land...

When I was 16 years old I spent the summer in a small border town between Austria and Hungry. One country was free the other was not. And in-between the two was No Man’s Land, a space belonging to neither region. It was a barren place seen clearly by both countries, yet unclaimed by either side. And now I live there.

It’s odd living in No Man’s Land a world between. A place guarded on both sides by those who KNOW what it means and those who DON’T. Each side equal in value and goodness, but one area much harsher than the other, a tougher place to live, ripe with heaviness. The other side is more untroubled, care free, lighter. The liberated side doesn’t understand the heavy side, always hoping they never have to cross over. Everyone who lives in the difficult area remembers when they existed on the easier side, but they can never go back. Eventually, they too will end up in No Man’s Land.

Just like me living in No Man’s Land a world between…

Somehow I’m able to step into each region for a time, connecting with both sides. Just this week I walked beside moms and children struggling, confused as they navigated their journey trapped for now on the heavy side. I gave out hugs; I cried with the moms and put on a loving smile for the children, their glowing beauty dazzling my heart. I listened feeling the burden, but knowing it wasn’t completely mine. Then it was time to enter the lighter place and I sat laughing, joking, listening to the silly talk, but the underlying hollowness ruined the lightness. I don’t fit into this world anymore. I never will again. But I don’t entirely fit into the weighty side any longer either. I cross the borders at will and join in moving around each region, never fully present. I’m in-between, isolated from both districts.

Living in No Man’s Land…

Friday, June 5, 2009

It's been a while...

...Since I updated.

Life has been full and challenging and more. Tonight I'm alone sitting here at this kitchen table thinking many different thoughts:

The Sports Outreach Institute fundraiser golf tournament today raised more money than we ever dreamed possible for the poorest of the poor children in East Africa...ONLY GOD.

Amanda King, a precious 18 year old is taking her last breath on this earth surrounded by her loving family...ONLY GOD.

My oldest has moved into an apartment with her husband and baby, yet they struggle in their marriage talking about co-parenting...ONLY GOD.

My second is dating a wonderful young man and I'm hoping no hearts are broken...ONLY GOD.

My third is facing the SAT yet again tomorrow morning...ONLY GOD.

My fourth has a life full of fun, drama and fun...may her spiritual life grow...ONLY GOD.

My husband sleeps in the Tree House with our son, exhausted yet feeling fullfilled again knowing God's blessings...ONLY GOD.

Joshua sleeps beside him, ready for his Lego class tomorrow, hoping the kids won't point or ask him questions ignoring the tracheostomy he lives with...ONLY GOD.

Two of my dear friends struggle against the monster that threatens to devour their only children...ONLY GOD.

And I marvel at my life with a grateful heart...ONLY GOD.