How do I raise my son...

How do I raise my son?

I watch and listen to his band, Baklava Renegade

 play Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana

and Song 2 by Bluur.

I am shocked and my heart hurts.

My son plays the drums.

The other bands play "happy songs."

My son's band is loud and powerful

full of angst, I think.

I hear it loud and clear.

I feel it and I look around.

Because I've always worried about what others think.

But I give it less significance this time.

I look at my son

his pain

his cancer

the suffering he's endured

the deaths he's experienced.

It shows.

And his oldest sister is there.

He's happy, proud, he greets us.

Then wants a treat after running around a park with his nephew.

We get a treat, his choice.

We are enjoying our time

when suddenly he wants to go.

And he's short,

angry

on the way home.

Then I know why,

a boy, his age was staring

at his trach.

My son hears the boy ask his father "what's that weird thing on that kid's neck?'

The father looks and says "I don't know. That's weird."

My son turns his chair away.

And says to us "Let's go!"

I didn't hear or notice anything as I was chatting with my oldest and her son.

How do I raise my son?

He's not who he was before cancer.

He's not happy go lucky anymore.

He's angry

hurting

often in pain.

He's leaving his friends behind,

because he's in a different school district.

So he'll enter a large high school in the fall

knowing no one.

Is this the right choice?

How do I raise my son?

I spoke to a school counselor.
His comments hit home.
"It's not the school.  It doesn't matter which school you choose.  What matters is your son, his attitude, his willingness to engage, to jump in, to connect.  No matter where he goes there will be nice kids and jerks."

So my prayer for this summer is to work on his attitude,
to help his perspective be positive, not negative.

Lord hear my prayer...