Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Challenging--Emotional Day!

My last post Fabulous Day! is the complete opposite from today.
The opposite sides of a coin.
Night and Day

It started around 2 am when a adrenaline rush woke me.
Some people call them hot flashes.
For me it's more like adrenaline hormones gushing through my body.
I awake
I vibrate, 
energy radiating,
surging outward from my skin.

It's awful.
Usually, I just acknowledge it's existence,
"Oh, it's you."
change position
stick my feet out from under the covers.
And go back to sleep. 

Not last night.
My brain woke up
and I began to think about all the yet to do 
and yet to decide details
of my Uganda/Kilimanjaro trip.

Plus my son popped in there too.
And I knew I was in trouble.

Josh is graduating from middle school.
That means he will officially be a freshman in high school!
I for one am stunned we are here!
10 years cancer FREE this August 2014!

So he'll be attending our district high school,
which is 2000 kids, bigger than any school
he's ever been to before.
And none of his middle school friends will be going to his high school.

Josh is not good at transition.
He's not looking forward to high school without known friends by his side.
He hates new situations.
New kids who stare.
Questions about his trach.

I am being proactive.
But it's challenging.

I went to his 504 Accommodation meeting today.
It's overwhelming,
like reliving it again.

It drains me.

I skipped yoga this morning, because I was so tired from lack of sleep.
There are more heavy issues going on with another child.
There's 8th grade graduation activites.
And another child is graduating college,
the same weekend as Father's Day and my son's 14th birthday.

I'm overwhelmed.
I have no patience left.
I try to talk to my husband about it all,
but we argue instead.

His words take me back to diagnosis day.
I feel burdened,
not supported.

Never his intention.

But here we are again.

And now I'm lying in bed
praying I sleep
trying to turn off my brain
hoping there's a power outage! 

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