My mother's death made me vulnerable. My mother's death made me strong.

It's been a year since my mother died.   

She has missed: 

birthdays, 
the beautiful redemptive wedding of her first granddaughter,  
falling in love with her second granddaughter's sweet boyfriend, 
her third granddaughter finding her niche in the love of earth, 
her fourth granddaughter's college soccer season and first year, 
her only grandson's growth, 
her youngest son's precious baby girl, 
another Christmas and another New Year.  

Life continues. 

My heart aches.  

My heart soars.

So much as changed in this one year.  
So much as changed in me.

My mother's death made me vulnerable.
My mother's death made me strong.

An old relationship has ended... for now.  
I changed the dance steps.  
I was weary of being run over, dominated. 
The trampling of my very person-hood.  

My mother's death made me vulnerable.
My mother's death made me strong.    
I stood up for me. 

My mother's death prompted me to stop serving in the childhood cancer world.   

Taking a break sometimes feels wrong.  
The church preaches "serve, serve, serve" 
Am I being selfish?

I'm healing.    
It doesn't come easy.  

And children continue to be diagnosed, children continue to suffer. 

I look away...for now. 

I give of myself in other ways.  
By loving a dear friend in deep, deep pain. 
By loving my husband.  
By loving my son. 
By encouraging and loving my daughters.

My Mother's death made me vulnerable.
My Mother's death made me strong. 
I choose healing.

It's been a year since my mother died.
Three months since my father and I have fallen apart.  

It's complicated.  

With my father's wrong behavior towards me in May, 
Childhood memories crashed to the forefront of my mind.
Flashbacks.
Suddenly, I stood in my mother's place.
Vulnerable.  
  

Domineering, aggressive, combative, angry behavior. 

I am not my mother.    
I will break the cycle. 
Strength.  

And I forgive, but I will stay safe. 

My Mother's death made me vulnerable.
My Mother's death made me strong.