Thursday, November 6, 2014

What will you do next, mom?

I've spent my life
doing what I knew I was made to do.
Raising children,
being a mom,
I'm my kid's biggest fan.

My children,
mostly adults now.

From my 1 and 1/2 pound first born Miracle,
to my Joy who "marches to the beat of her own drum",
to my musical, peace-keeping, nature loving red head,
my feisty, soccer loving, drama-queen
and finally
 my son who fought cancer.

From home school lessons,
Africa adventures,
field trips,
dress up,
Keepers of the Home Club
to skinned knees,
bare feet, 
soccer games
neighborhood dramas,
tree forts
time spent caring for and riding Freedom,
hours and hours of reading great books aloud,
and the sudden crisis of hospitals
and cancer treatments. 

It's all past me now.

And I sit here alone,
feeling as if 
I'm not able to assimilate into this new world.

I just resigned,
by mutual agreement,
from my new job.

I thought I could learn the skills necessary
for this brave new world.
I worked as hard as I could,
but it wasn't enough. 

I feel like such a failure.

What will you do next, mom?
She asks me on the phone.
Believing in me
more than I do
more than I can.
My Joy.

What will I do next?
What a great question,
so full of promise
and yet so blank,
right now.

I feel like such a failure.

But each one of my children,
incredible people,
amazing human beings,
cheer me on,
encouraging me,
believing in me.

After the tears
and sadness
and the ugly feeling of failure subsides,
I will begin again.

I have so many ideas,
and thoughts.

What will YOU do next mom?
Let's wait and see...

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