Monday, June 4, 2012

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl who thought she lived in a normal family. 

But when she went to bed each night she heard the screaming  and the arguments through the doors and she pulled the covers up over her ears to block out the noise.
She grew up with younger brothers and she bossed them and fought and told them what was what.

And her father was a stranger and her mother was her best friend.
Like sisters.  

Something wasn't right.

And one day she realized not all parents were like hers. 

Some parents actually loved each other. 

And she swore deep in her psyche,
where she wasn't awake yet,
the place where the conscience can't see,
that she'd have the perfect family someday. 

With lots of babies and a husband that loved her and life would be wonderful.
And she met her prince and she moved away and her mother was lost and she ignored it.
She gave birth to babies and more babies and she homeschooled and taught Bible dressed in denim because she thought that was godly.  

And she taught rules and morals and god and laws and she strove and strove and gave her blood, 
her heart, 
her soul.

And she began to grow weary.
And one day her baby and only son was diagnosed with cancer and the journey of hell began.
And when it finished no one was left unscathed.

And her faith was shaken, 
still there, 
but different.

And her daughters struggled and her son survived.
But her mother also the grandmother
was absent through the hell.

It was "too painful" and her mother isolated herself choosing to live in a bubble with denial and false faith, hiding away from reality and people.
Her mother took no risks to avoid pain.

And the little girl struggled and argued and knew her mother was lost, but there was nothing to do, but love her babies and serve 
and live 
and breathe 
and face life.
And one day her mother told her father she was sick.  

Her mother had been sick a long time, but had hidden it away like she'd hidden her life.  

And it was serious and it was scary and she wanted no one to know.
Her mother let no one in.
And so the little girl left her alone for the most part.  

The little girl was silent as she drove her to the doctor appointments and she waited during the surgery and she said nothing and she let her mother live in her little world closed up tight. 
And the little girl was angry and confused and sad.
But through this, the little girl discovered she had created the family she had dreamed of after all.
Because Love walked among them.

They talked and shared and cried together.  

Her daughters were grown.  

Her son was old beyond his years.

The hell had shaped them.

They let each other in.

They laughed and fought and loved beyond measure.

It wasn't perfect, but it was everything she had hoped for.

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