There is beauty in the journey...

On Sunday I fly away

alone

to Italy

where I will meet five strangers

and embark on a 10 day Strenuous-- Strenuous Plus Hut to Hut Hike

in the Dolomite Mountains.

I'm nervous

I've never flown internationally before

by myself.

I don't speak Italian.

I depend a lot on my husband.

As the time draws near

Emotions well up in me

and I ask myself

Why am I doing this?

When my mother died, 

she left three fat envelopes filled with cash in her dresser drawer.

One for each of her children.

I knew I wanted to spend my gift in a spectacular way

A once in a lifetime way.

And so I chose the Dolomite Mountains.

Months ago,

as I planned the trip

and prayed

it felt right.

Now, it feels stressful

because I'm leaving my son

to start his 8th grade year  

without me.

I'm his venting machine

his biggest advocate.

Now, it feels stressful

as I leave our bathroom half way remodeled 

and our upstairs in total disarray.

My home is not in order.

Now, it feels stressful

as I've dealt  

with many doctor appointments for Josh

and made plans for his care

and write out a will

just encase something happens

while both his parents are gone.

My husband is meeting me in Venice

after I hike.

Thanks to mom.

But, it feels stressful

as we have to make unexpected purchases

and pay surprise bills

this month.

Our money is tight.

Why am I spending this gift this way?

And it feels stressful 

knowing what's ahead for us this year.

A major surgery for Josh

A full time job for me

transitioning 

a  long ministry trip for my husband in Africa

tight finances

and all those things yet unseen.

Then I remind myself of my solo hikes

and backpack trips

and how I know 

God watches over me.

I have felt His eyes on me.

And I remind myself 

how happy my mother would be 

knowing how I spent her money.

She was a generous woman.

And I remind myself

God LOVES my son

and has miraculously

 brought him to his 13th year.

And I remind myself

God directs us

and walks with us

and life is very short.

And I remind myself

 I'm learning to live in the now 

and not the future.

When the future arrives

He will be there.

So I vow to take each day

each moment

as an adventure.

And I vow to 

pinch myself 

to make sure I'm not dreaming 

as I traverse the base of rugged limestone mountains

as I get lost on the streets of Venice

and sip a glass of wine in a Sienna cafe

with my husband 

and have him all to myself.

God made beauty

God wants us to rest

Life is not always just about 

fighting through

and hardship 

and challenges.

Though it OFTEN feels that way.

There is beauty in the journey

and I will search for it.

The Meltdown...

Being 13 years old is tough.

But how much harder is it for some?

A tree house meltdown.
30 minutes of words mixed with sobbing tears...

"I hate my life."
"I hate that I had cancer."
"It's so unfair."
"I just want to be a normal boy."
"Why? Why? Why?"
"I can't stop my brain from thinking about Why?"
"It will never go away."
"I hate having a trach."
" I want to swim."
"I want to play regular sports."
"I just want to be a normal boy."
"I feel guilty."
"My sisters have been scarred from my cancer."
"I feel guilty."
" You have to take me to all these doctor appointments."
"Why did I get cancer?"
"I hate when people pity me."
"I just want it to stop."
"I hurt everyday."
"It feels like someone is inside of me ripping me apart."
"Even when I play on the computer, I still HURT. It doesn't take it away."
"I just want it all to stop."
"It will never go away."
"I just want to be a normal boy."
"Why?  Why did I get cancer."
"I know there's not an answer."
"It's so unfair."
"Why? I can't stop thinking about why."
"I just want it to all go away."

As the tears subsided, merciful sleep crept in and took over...

My mother's death made me vulnerable. My mother's death made me strong.

It's been a year since my mother died.   

She has missed: 

birthdays, 
the beautiful redemptive wedding of her first granddaughter,  
falling in love with her second granddaughter's sweet boyfriend, 
her third granddaughter finding her niche in the love of earth, 
her fourth granddaughter's college soccer season and first year, 
her only grandson's growth, 
her youngest son's precious baby girl, 
another Christmas and another New Year.  

Life continues. 

My heart aches.  

My heart soars.

So much as changed in this one year.  
So much as changed in me.

My mother's death made me vulnerable.
My mother's death made me strong.

An old relationship has ended... for now.  
I changed the dance steps.  
I was weary of being run over, dominated. 
The trampling of my very person-hood.  

My mother's death made me vulnerable.
My mother's death made me strong.    
I stood up for me. 

My mother's death prompted me to stop serving in the childhood cancer world.   

Taking a break sometimes feels wrong.  
The church preaches "serve, serve, serve" 
Am I being selfish?

I'm healing.    
It doesn't come easy.  

And children continue to be diagnosed, children continue to suffer. 

I look away...for now. 

I give of myself in other ways.  
By loving a dear friend in deep, deep pain. 
By loving my husband.  
By loving my son. 
By encouraging and loving my daughters.

My Mother's death made me vulnerable.
My Mother's death made me strong. 
I choose healing.

It's been a year since my mother died.
Three months since my father and I have fallen apart.  

It's complicated.  

With my father's wrong behavior towards me in May, 
Childhood memories crashed to the forefront of my mind.
Flashbacks.
Suddenly, I stood in my mother's place.
Vulnerable.  
  

Domineering, aggressive, combative, angry behavior. 

I am not my mother.    
I will break the cycle. 
Strength.  

And I forgive, but I will stay safe. 

My Mother's death made me vulnerable.
My Mother's death made me strong.